Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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