he puts the penis in happiness.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
