Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
