They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
