You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
