i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
