Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
