you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
