from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
