did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
