He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
