i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
