True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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