I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
This baby is an asshole
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
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