So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
