Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Also, beer. Big fan.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
