What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
