I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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