My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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