Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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