dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
