I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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