Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
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