Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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