The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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