Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
