My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
