Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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