i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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