The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
