I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
