y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
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