a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
