Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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