at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
