I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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