no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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