I haven't been this sober since birth.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
