So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
