I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
