What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She announced her abortion via fbk
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
