I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
