apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
bring money and cleavage
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
