This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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