Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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