i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
