How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
