There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Holy shit dude........stairs
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