It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
