I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
